“Move Along Home” is, simply, horrid. The plot is preposterous. The writing is atrocious. The design is ridiculous. The acting is embarrassing. And the whole thing is almost entirely pointless. In fact, I might have had more respect for the episode if it *had* been pointless. That this was all to teach Quark a lesson about cheating? C’mon.

The first, official, visitors from the Gamma Quadrant arrive on DS9 where Sisko prepares an elaborate welcoming ceremony. Instead, the visitors, an alien species called the Wadi, are far more interested in the space station’s “games” – more specifically, they’ve heard of Quark’s (How? We’re never actually told) and they want to learn and play the gambling games. As a concept, the notion of the aliens choosing to learn about a new culture by way of the games is certainly an interesting one.

Unfortunately, it’s the only thing about the episode’s concepts that works.

The Wadi are an unfortunately designed species with face paint and costumes that look more like something you’d see on the Original Series than in the spinoff series of The Next Generation. Add in their quirky mannerisms and propensity for banging sticks together and the Original Series picture is complete – featuring the elements most easily spoofed and ridiculed from the Original Series.

But when Quark cheats the Wadi, the episode becomes even more bizarre and pointless – Sisko, Dax, Bashir and Kira are inexplicably transported onto a Wadi game grid and forced to be pawns in a game that they devise to teach Quark a lesson about cheating. The transition is awkward and blatant. There’s little doubt that the four DS9 officers are being forced to participate in the ridiculous game. And the rest of the episode follows as they advance from one level to the next with every one of Quark’s dice rolls. Among the tasks they must accomplish is a bizarre hopscotch game, complete with childish rhymes.

Embarrassing.

And it drags on for much, much too long. Particularly when you factor in the horrid repetition of Falow uttering, “Moving along home!” Add in the crazy camera angles and sub-par performances from the entire cast (they must have known they were in the midst of a terrible episode) and the result is, simply abysmal.

There’s nothing to redeem “Move Along Home.” Not even Odo’s efforts on behalf of his comrades registers anything noteworthy. This is an episode that is, simply, a failure.

Filed under: Deep Space Nine