They say that Quark’s heart grew three sizes that day …

“Body Parts” is an episode that has absolutely no right to end satisfactorily. It has no right to end by putting a smile on the faces of its viewers. Much less myself. I thoroughly detest its premise, its contrivances, its melodrama, its story … so why on Bajor did I have a stupid grin on my face by the time the credits rolled?

Must be Romulan Ale … or something …

Seriously. This is an episode which has Keiko’s pregnancy literally transferred to the body of Major Kira for the sole purpose of the show covering for the pregnancy of Nana Visitor, the actress who plays Kira. Talk about contrivance. And melodrama. By the end of the episode, Kira has become Auntie Nerys, and is living! with the O’Briens. My god, I swear someone threw up on a script and this was all they could make out after the ink had smeared and smudged.

But you know? The little subplot was oddly affecting in some way. Maybe it was the shit-eating grins everyone was wearing. Maybe it was the Romulan Ale. Or maybe I had given up so thoroughly on the premise that, by the time it was over, I was smiling … simply because it was over.

Does it even matter?

Then there is the main plot involving Quark who receives a bit of bad news: He’s been diagnosed with a terminal disease and has only a week to live. The revelation scene in Quark’s bar is downright putrid. Quark brays to the crowd about his imminent death. Rom howls with despair. The only way it could have been worse would have been for Lwaxana Troi to be there offering to console the brothers … in a holosuite …

(shudder)

But of course, all of this is just a ruse. After Quark puts his remains up for bidding (you see, Ferengi have this odd tradition of selling their remains once they die and Quark wants to know how much people will pay before he, you know, dies), he learns that — surprise! — it was all a setup. Brunt, the FCA chap from “Bar Association” thoroughly detests Quark. He cooks up the idea, gets Quark to believe he is dying to sell his remains, gets Quark to accept the contract to pay for his remains … and then arrives to collect on the contract. See, Ferengi never, ever, ever break a contract with another Ferengi. So Quark has a dilemma: Either he breaks the contract — and faces exile from the Ferengi, or in order to make good on his contract to Brunt, he has to, you know, die.  And be cut up into little pieces.

Much of the proceedings focus on Quark’s conflict. He even goes to Garak and asks to be assassinated by the good tailor, wanting to end his life as he has lived it: As a Ferengi business man! This leads to one of the more amusing scenes in which Garak demonstrates how he will kill Quark (using a holosuite). But aside from that, the rest is filled with Quark whining and complaining about his life, about how dreadful it has been, about how much he hates the station … and on and on and on …

Dear Nagus it was awful.

Finally, Quark finds his courage (or maybe he was afraid to die?) and breaks the contract with Brunt. Brunt in turn seizes all of Quark’s assets — everything in the bar, all of his money — right down to the shirt off of Quark’s back. Rom is proud of his brother. Quark is happy to be alive, but miserable at his circumstances …

… and that’s when it happens …

Bashir arrives with brandy … Dax arrives with glasses … Sisko arrives with chairs and tables … and whaddya know? Quark is back in business!

It’s so preposterous, so sentimentally sappy, that, god help me, I was actually smiling. And it ends on a perfect note. Quark thought he had no friends, no assets … but Rom was right all along. Quark did have assets: generous friends like Dax and Bashir, Sisko and even Morn. It’s all so happy that if you don’t smile you just might end up talking to Garak about a deal to have yourself assassinated …

So yeah, to give credit where it’s due, “Body Parts” ends up being a “feel good” episode in spite of itself. But the endings, as amusing as they may be, simply aren’t enough to justify just how stupid the plots were. I mean, really … baby transfers? Faking terminal illnesses? Has Trek really sunk so low?

Better pass that Romulan Ale … it’ll make it all go down so much more smoothly …

Filed under: Deep Space Nine