Juvenile.

Really, it’s the only way to describe Rascals. And “juvenile” doesn’t refer to just the characters. The whole premise, from conception to execution is nothing short of immature drivel. And the whole concoction just ends up being annoying. That’s not to say that I think kids are annoying. Far from it. Rather, these kids, in this episode, telling this story … I’m being kind by calling it annoying.

Picard, Guinan, Keiko and Ensign Ro are all on board a shuttle, returning from a shore leave of sorts. The first problem with the episode is getting past this motley crew of companions who just went on shore leave. Keiko on vacation without O’Brien or her daughter? Picard on shore leave again? After having to be nearly blackmailed into it before? And Ro? She would voluntarily go on vacation?

Picard’s enthusiastic little moment with some archaeological findings is interesting enough. But after that moment, the episode comes crashing to a halt. On their trip back, the shuttle is engulfed in some wacky energy field. Riker has O’Brien beam the travelers out of the disintegrating shuttle but … there is an accident.

As it turns out, the field has somehow managed to turn all four shuttle occupants into children, not more than twelve years old. The effect results in some genuinely amusing scenes whereby a little kid (with hair!) masquerades as Jean-Luc Picard, giving orders and calling Riker, “Number One.” These are the best moments of the episode, but there really are only a handful of them. Because once the “shock” of the accident has passed, there’s no more need for these kinds of jokes.

After Dr. Crusher convinces Picard to relieve himself of duty, and the rest of the crew get to work trying to solve what happened, we see the characters trying to adapt to their new circumstances. Picard talks to Troi about perhaps studying archaeology until he is physically old enough to command a starship again. It’s passable, at best. More of a nuisance is Ro’s angst at suddenly being young and Guinan’s attempts to be a pre-teen sage. It just doesn’t work.

The worst part, however, is the Keiko-Miles scene in which Miles gives a commendable effort in trying to portray the awkwardness of suddenly finding oneself married to what amounts to be a twelve year old girl. Ultimately, the scene is fare more creepy than amusingly awkward. And the result is something that, while perhaps true to the circumstances, is just not anything I would call close to “entertainment.”

As if all of this wasn’t bad enough, there is a subplot in which the Enterprise is hijacked — yet again. As with nearly all of the other hijack episodes, it is exceptionally implausible. For starters, two Klingon Birds of Prey are enough to completely cripple the Enterprise (yes, I know it was said there was an upgrade of weaponry, but c’mon). But then, the Enterprise is boarded by, what, maybe a dozen or so Ferengi — who actually take control (and don’t get me started on Worf missing a target with his phaser)? It’s really, really pathetic.

All of which sets up the inevitable, predictable outcome: the adults are transported off the ship and its up Picard and the “rascals,” as well as the rest of the kids, including Worf’s son Alexander, to rescue the ship. There is a mildly amusing scene where Picard hugs Riker, calling him “father” but otherwise the whole thing is boring and cliché. Obviously the kids win and defeat the Ferengi — like there was ever any doubt.

And as for the accident? The whole thing is a jumble of pointless technobabble that served no other purpose than to contrive the whole premise to begin with. Because somehow, after losing 40% body mass in the initial accident, the transporter is able to replace that mass in a reverse process. Like we ever doubted it’d happen anyway.

Rascals is barely watchable. True, Guinan’s line near the end, “crayons can take you places no starship can,” is poignant and profound. But we had to go a long, long way to get there. And really, like childhood, who really wants to relive the experience of this episode?

Topics: Ferengi
Filed under: TNG Reviews